A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should be either nude, or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.

This is the most elaborate and luxurious method of convincing others that you can cook. Take everybody out on your yacht until they're green in the face. Then you can rave for weeks about your sauce marinara and no one will gainsay you.

Off they go on this sort of camping trip to Iwo Jima, where they're taken around and shown where all the battles took place. It's very moving. Disgusting little island, though. Still an active volcano. Stinks of sulfur. There are dead Japanese everywhere under that island. It's icky. But I knew I would never have another chance to go, so I took the job.

The Three Branches of Government: Money, Television, and Bullshit

Humor is a terrific tool for explaining things, especially when what you're explaining is frightening or dull and complicated.