There are no kinder or better people in the world than those who listen to you when you are 18.

Anything that makes your mother cry is fun

These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.

One thing talk can't accomplish is communication. This is because everybody's talking too much to pay attention to what anyone is saying

I live in New Hampshire. We're in favor of global warming. Eleven hundred more feet of sea-level rises? I've got beachfront property. You tell us up there, "By the end of the century, New York City could be underwater," and we say, "Your point is?"

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.

I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll light this Marlboro and you'll all die - in thirty years due to inhalation of secondhand smoke."