The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.

The number of American presidential candidates varies with the sunspot cycle and the phases of the moon. Being a Republican, I'm backing Hillary Clinton. Because she could lose. The reason is not that she's a woman. The reason is that she's the particular woman who taught the 4th grade class that every man in America wished he were dead in. Hillary Clinton is Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown. Hillary Clinton is "America's ex-wife."

War will exist as long as there's a food chain.

Los Angeles is many places in one place.

Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise.

Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite poet. People like poets to possess the same qualities they do.

Imagine having journalists in your own home and not even covering the furniture with plastic sheets first.