Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?

To grasp the true meaning of socialism, imagine a world where everything is designed by the post office, even the sleaze.

Every generation finds the drug it needs.

There's a very good reason that governments aren't supposed to compete with private-enterprise companies. Governments have monopolies on certain things, like eminent domain and deadly force.

From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people.

[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

...let's talk about soccer scores. There are a few things that people all around the world need to admit to themselves. Trade restraints slow economic growth, the euro is not a reserve currency and scoreless sports ties are boring.