From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people.

Imagine a weight-loss program at the end of which, instead of better health, good looks, and hot romantic prospects, you die. Somalia had become just this kind of spa.

Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing.

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.

Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Italians.

The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.

Coffee and cigarettes are much better if you want an instant breakfast.