People have a right to my food, a right to my housing, and a right to my good job for my decent pay.

There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers. Judging by the paintings I saw, the Soviets were right the first time.

Whereas Rolling Stone, I just never had anything to do with them. I'd stop by the office maybe twice a year.

The Soviet constitution guarantees everyone a job. A pretty scary idea, I'd say.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

Men generally pay for all expenses on a date ... either sex, however, may bring a little gift, its value to be determined by the bizarrness of the sexual request to be made later that evening.

[Kurt] Vonnegut once said, if you ever want to know who somebody is... Like you look at Richard Nixon, or Adolf Hitler, or Ralph Nader, or anybody who seems like a difficult person to understand, and is therefore not part of the pattern of human behavior. Think about who they were in high school, and they will explain themselves to you. So we got a hold of, like, 50 high-school yearbooks, including my mom's from 1925 or something, and we discovered that they're all the same.