Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

Women are successful in the business world because the business world was created by men. Men are babies. And women areGood With Kids.

Never Refuse Wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic.

I'll pick "I'm kidding" anytime over "I'm lying."

You start out with Mad magazine, and you go right through the sort of black humor of Lenny Bruce, Lord Buckley, Mort Sahl, Paul Krassner... If you put Lenny together with Mad magazine and run it through the brain of a college student, you get National Lampoon.

Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.

If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.