All lies are told with a straight face. It is truth that's said with a dismissive giggle.

Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did.

When a private entity does not produce the desired results, it is (certain body parts excepted) done away with. But a public entity gets bigger.

What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?

The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.

Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.

I'm old enough to remember when the air over American cities was a lot dirtier than it is now.