All lies are told with a straight face. It is truth that's said with a dismissive giggle.

A U.S. dollar is an IOU from the Federal Reserve Bank. It's a promissory note that doesn't actually promise anything. It's not backed by gold or silver.

In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn't. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times.

Veal is a very young beef and, like a very young girlfriend, it's cute but boring and expensive.

You can smoke or drink on a golf course without interrupting the game, and you can take a leak - something you can't do on a squash court and shouldn't do in a swimming pool.

Each child is biologically required to have a mother. Fatherhood is a well-regarded theory, but motherhood is a fact.

Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information.