Ann Coulter to me is someone who says things that I say all the time, but I say them at three in the morning when I'm drunk as a monkey. She says them at three in the afternoon stone sober in bright daylight.

Politicians are always interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.

Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.

[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

Pollution is a problem, and there's the whole problem of the spoiling of the commons, but we've addressed the pollution problem on a variety of different levels in a variety of ways, and it's worked pretty well.

I'm a registered Republican and consider socialism a violation of the American principle that you shouldn't stick your nose in other people's business except to make a buck.

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.