I have, of all the inglorious things, a malignant hemorrhoid. What color bracelet does one wear for that? And where does one wear it? And what slogan is apropos? Perhaps that slogan can be sewn in needlepoint around the ruffle on a cover for my embarrassing little doughnut buttocks pillow.

Los Angeles is many places in one place.

One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.

I've decided that my motto in life is "Get off my lawn." It's the right answer to everything.

Remember that all tax revenue is the result of holding a gun to somebody's head. Not paying taxes is against the law. If you don't pay your taxes, you'll be fined. If you don't pay the fine, you'll be jailed. If you try to escape from jail, you'll be shot. ... Therefore, every time the government spends money on anything, you have to ask yourself, 'Would I kill my kindly, gray-haired mother for this?'

Fortunately, I'm married to someone who's a pretty excellent parent!

When I get in deep water, I prefer to announce that I'm in over my head.