I spent almost 25 years as a foreign correspondent, and the world's primary problem is poverty.

Veal is a very young beef and, like a very young girlfriend, it's cute but boring and expensive.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

In case we have to shoot Democrats. It happened during the Civil War, and it could happen again.

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.

Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud "snort" noises.) I don't know why parents don't do this more often. Usually it makes the kid laugh. Sometimes it sends him into shock. Either way it quiets him down. If you're a parent, acting like a rhino has another advantage. Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won't have his friends hanging around your house all the time.

If I give up drinking, smoking, and fatty foods, I can add ten years to my life. Trouble is, I'll add it to the wrong end.