Never fight an inanimate object.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system

The poor of the world cannot be made rich by the redistribution of wealth. Poverty can't be eliminated by punishing people who've escaped poverty, taking their money and giving it as a reward to people who have failed to escape.

A charity ball is like a dance except it's tax deductible.