I'm really tired of virtue.

A lot of things work better in a locomotive.

The wise traveler [to Beirut] will pack shirts or blouses with ample breast pockets. Reaching inside a jacket for your passport looks too much like going for the draw and puts armed men out of countinence

You don't despair about something like the Middle East, you just do the best you can.

I don't even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I've never used a computer.

Then basically what was happening was that it was the middle '80s, and Rolling Stone realized that a lot of their readers had voted for [Ronald] Reagan, and they were going, "Gosh! We need a Republican! Does anybody know a Republican? Wait a minute! I think P.J.'s a Republican!"

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.