If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.

Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.

...let's talk about soccer scores. There are a few things that people all around the world need to admit to themselves. Trade restraints slow economic growth, the euro is not a reserve currency and scoreless sports ties are boring.

The Greenpeace booth at all the rock and roll shows nowadays are akin to the old sorcerers who used to stand in the middle of villages warning of danger, 'When night wolf swallows mother moon, there will be great famine.'