A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.

Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich.

The inherent purpose of American government is let people seek their own goals and to encourage them to be responsible on the various adventures they have on their way to those goals, good, bad, and otherwise.

Well the planet I've got a chance to visit is Earth, and Earth's principal features are chaos and war. I think I'd be a fool to spend years here and never have a look.

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

Every pleasure you forgoe on Earth is a pleasure you won't get in heaven.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.