In the past a man was expected to give his seat on a bus to a woman. Today it would be much more courteous for that man to give her his job.

The free market is ugly and stupid, like going to the mall; the unfree market is just as ugly and just as stupid, except there is nothing in the mall and if you don't go there they shoot you.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

When a couple decides to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism, and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along.

I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.

A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.