Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal

Think about last time you were broke ... now how well did it go with spending your way out of it? Did that work?

Idealism is based on big ideas. And, as anybody who has ever been asked "What's the big idea?" knows, most big ideas are bad ones.

You can keep the dining room clean by eating in the kitchen.

In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn't. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times.

Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.