Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.

The key ingredient of politics is the idea that all of society's ills can be cured politically. It's like a cookbook where the recipe for everything is to fry it. The fruit cocktail is fried.

When I left the Lampoon, I went west to try that out, and discovered that I hated it.They were awful people turning out awful product .

When I became a man, I put away childish things and got more elaborate and expensive childish things from France and Japan.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

The real slums are another matter. The bad parts of Tondo are as bad as any place I've seen, ancient, filthy houses swarmed with the poor and stinking of sewage and trash. But there are worse parts - squatter areas where people live under cardboard, in shipping crates, behind tacked-up newspapers. Dad would march you straight to the basement with a hairbrush in his hand if he caught you keeping your hamster cage like this.