Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

Mike Kelly [from The Atlantic] called me up and said he could pay me less money.

How much fame, money and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?

The three branches of government number considerably more than three and are not, in any sense, 'branches' since that would imply that there is something they are all attached to besides self-aggrandizement and our pocketbooks. ... Government is not a machine with parts; it's an organism. When does an intestine quit being an intestine and start becoming an asshole?

The complexity of economics can be calculated mathematically. Write out the algebraic equation that is the human heart and multiply each unknown by the population of the world.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

We like to pile language on language. Hunter [ S. Thompson] was an influence on me, no doubt about it.