I'm a member of the working press; you'd think I'd know better than to listen to journalists.

One nice thing about the Third World, you don't have to fasten your seat belt. (Or stop smoking. Or cut down on saturated fats.) It takes a lot off your mind when average life expectancy is forty-five minutes.

You read [Bill ] Maher's book, and he didn't take Econ 101. All his arguments about gasoline, it's not that they're right or wrong - they're just not informed.

The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.

The wonder is that communism lasted so long. But then again, modern poetry lasted a long time, too.

Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do.

Keeping house is as unpleasant and filthy as coal mining, and the pay's a lot worse.