If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.

It's better to make fun of yourself because you've always got someone around to make fun of, and they can't sue you.

War will exist as long as there's a food chain.

The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.

People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly.

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

Remember, FDA employees are serious about fear. We pay these people to panic about an iota of rodent hair in our chili, even when the recipe calls for it. FDA employees are first-class agonizers, world champions at losing sleep. When Meryl Streep got hysterical about Alar, they actually checked the apples instead of Meryl's head.