In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn't matter.

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.

The wise traveler [to Beirut] will pack shirts or blouses with ample breast pockets. Reaching inside a jacket for your passport looks too much like going for the draw and puts armed men out of countinence

There is parody, when you make fun of people who are smarter than you; satire, when you make fun of people who are richer than you; and burlesque, when you make fun of both while taking your clothes off.

Russian cars are silly. They look like imports drawn by a cartoonist for a UAW newsletter.

Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise.

One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.