Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it's not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment.

The neo-hippie-dips, the sentimentality-crazed iguana anthropomorphizers, the Chicken Littles, the three-bong-hit William Blakes- thank God these people don't actually go outdoors much, or the environment would be even worse than it is already.

Every pleasure you forgoe on Earth is a pleasure you won't get in heaven.

There are twenty-seven specific complaints against the British Crown set forth in the Declaration of Independence. To modern ears they still sound reasonable. They still sound reasonable, in large part, because so many of them can be leveled against the federal government of the United States.

Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single-edged razor blades and natural gas has got so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.

I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.

I didn't realize what fun it was [ been a reporter].