The founding fathers, in their wisdom, devised a method by which our republic can take one hundred of its most prominent numbskulls and keep them out of the private sector where they might do actual harm.

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation.

I was managing editor for a while [in National Lampoon ], and it does cause business problems when your circulation goes up.

I wonder if it changes the nature of a society for beauty to be so common. Maybe in Vietnam "She has a wonderful personality" really means something. But I couldnt figure out a polite way to ask.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

Term limits aren't enough. We need jail.

Predicting innovation is something of a self-canceling exercise: the most probable innovations are probably the least innovative.