The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that."

The Republican convention, an event with the intellectual content of a Guns'n'Roses lyric attended by every ofay insurance brokerin America who owns a pair of white shoes.

I'm a political conservative.

For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches.

The Italians have had 2,000 years to fix up the Forum and just look at the place!

Worshiping the earth is more fun than going to church. It's also closer.

Mike Kelly [from The Atlantic] called me up and said he could pay me less money.