The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.

Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.

If you're doing a column, you kind of have to. Like in the back of Sports Illustrated, Rick Reilly has to find something to be mad about. It's not really the way I approach things.

Rich white Protestant men have held on to some measure of power in America almost solely by getting women, blacks, and other disadvantaged groups to wear crippling foot fashions. This keeps them too busy with corns and bunions to compete in the job market.

Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Political systems are run by self-selecting politicians. We don't draft people; it's not jury duty.