If you actually do cold readings, it's very close to how people actually talk, because you're experiencing these thoughts anew every moment, and trying to make them come out coherently.

I remember, when 9/11 went down, my reaction was, 'Well, I've had it with humanity.' But I was wrong.

Now we live in this DVD, iTunes, Hulu age, and show creators and networks are realizing that and letting shows develop on those terms rather than 'We gotta just punch it week to week, man.' Now they're like, 'What will happen if someone watches the entire show?'

I'm not familiar with the metric system.

It’s the method of consumption, not what’s on the plate.

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

Before doing my first open mic, I was sitting in the back watching all these comedians banter back and forth and fire jokes and up each other, and I thought, This is where I wanna be.