I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

Sandwiches are wonderful. You don't need a spoon or a plate!

Outsiders develop humor as a defense; why do you think most comedians are gay or Jewish?

Politicians... talk in generalities and lies, and I think they've caused all our grief. They're so awful, they're really funny. I hate thinking this because my dad loved politics.

If I hadn't become a celebrity, I'd probably be an alcoholic.