My dad was a ham, too. He could sell those women anything. Of all his sons, I was the only one he could trust to sell as well as he could. I was proud of that.

I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death.

Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable.

If I hadn't become a celebrity, I'd probably be an alcoholic.