If I wanted your opinion, I'd slap it outta ya.

My primary school teacher once poured a bottle of curdled school milk forcefully down my throat. Then I threw it up all over her suede shoes. I'd rather have drunk from the spittoon in Barney's barber shop.

Comedy, your funny bone, is formed in childhood.

Times are hard and friends are few

The worst drivers are women in people carriers, men in white vans and anyone in a baseball cap. That's just about everyone.

I love looking after animals. I find it very enjoyable.

I dress up as a middle-aged prostitute and do a game show.