What was I drinking last night? Furniture polish?

My primary school teacher once poured a bottle of curdled school milk forcefully down my throat. Then I threw it up all over her suede shoes. I'd rather have drunk from the spittoon in Barney's barber shop.

Comedy, your funny bone, is formed in childhood.

I like a Blackpool breakfast, me - 20 ciggies and a pot of tea.

I enjoyed school - although I ran away on the first day. I'd reminded the teacher that it was nearly time for 'Watch With Mother' on TV.

I dont live with people, thats why my relationships last. Im not romantic. Even when I was a teenager if somebody asked if they could hold my hand Id say, - no, its not heavy, I can hold it myself, thank you.

Channel 4 are a great bunch of people to work with and the crew are lovely. Working at ITV was like being in the court of Caligula.