I go in the butchers and there's not a lot of meat I can eat these days, with having all the animals.

I like a Blackpool breakfast, me - 20 ciggies and a pot of tea.

What was I drinking last night? Furniture polish?

I enjoyed school - although I ran away on the first day. I'd reminded the teacher that it was nearly time for 'Watch With Mother' on TV.

I don't want to sound like Catherine Cookson but I've worked since I was eight, with a paper round and in a fruit and veg shop. Taking a pay cut won't demotivate me, not at all. It's not about money in the first place. It's about the job.

My primary school teacher once poured a bottle of curdled school milk forcefully down my throat. Then I threw it up all over her suede shoes. I'd rather have drunk from the spittoon in Barney's barber shop.

The worst drivers are women in people carriers, men in white vans and anyone in a baseball cap. That's just about everyone.