There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.

I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.