Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.

The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.