If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.

I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility.

The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community.