When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, 'Well, dammit, we can't have nice things.'

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.