I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.

I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.