I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my brother Pjimmy, spelled with a silent P.

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.