I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile saying ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’

The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

You know, in politics when you come in third, it's a win.

I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.