The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don't think that's going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I'm looking around for the perfect parent and I haven't seen one yet.

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.