I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, 'Well, dammit, we can't have nice things.'

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.