I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.

What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.

I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.