I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility.

When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.