I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.

I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.