President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.