I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.