The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.