The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.

I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile saying ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’

I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.

I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.