I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

I don't like sex ... I'm a single working mom with nine cats, a dog-shark, a lizard, and a bunny. I don't go to bed, I pass out. The idea that I'd get to my bed and there'd be someone in there with whom I was supposed to have an activity is horrifying to me.

I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile saying ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’