I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.