When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.