I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.