It's semi-frustrating when your name actually becomes a synonym for douchebag.

If Jessica [Simpson] looks hot in something, I can definitely tell her that. But for me, out of the entire Simpson family, and out of all the Simpsons on the planet, and all the girls in the universe, the hottest one is the one I married. She could be sitting there in a pair of sweatpants and she beats out any girl in Maxim.

Everyone you idolize wakes up scared to be themselves sometimes.

Just a tiny red sliver remains in the battery icon. I wish humans came with the same kind of indicator . . . it would make things much easier. You would know how to deal with every person on the planet, and I’d always be in the red.

there’s really nowhere else I can go, and even if there were, it wouldn’t make a difference because I’d just be running from myself, and you can’t do that no matter how hard you try, and trying hard is what got you in this predicament in the first place.

Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.

Underwear. It's like a god damned leash. It also constantly reminds me of how funny I look naked.