Celibacy is the worst form of self-abuse.

There are times when breakfast seems the one thing worth getting up for.

I am not impressed by the Ivy League establishments. Of course they graduate the best -- it's all they'll take, leaving to others the problem of educating the country. They will give you an education the way the banks will give you money -- provided you can prove to their satisfaction that you don't need it.

I tried to write worse but it was no good; my generalizations came out as before, each more exquisite than the last. I grew discouraged.

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.

People rarely do what they don't want to.

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.