I feel ghostly unreal until I become somebody else again on the screen.

There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically removed.

To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.

Women are more difficult to handle than men. It's their minds.

Now then, what do we know? One, that Professor Fassbinder and his daughter have been kidnapped. Two, that someone has kidnapped them. Three, that my hand is on fire.

Clouseau: Does yer dewg bite? Inn Keeper: No Clouseau: Nice Doggy (bends down to pet a dachshund - it snarls and bites him) I thought you said yer dewg did not bite! Inn Keeper: Zat . . . iz not my dog!

François: Do you know what kind of a bomb it was? Clouseau: Yes, the exploding kind.