The message that 'love' will solve all of our problems is repeated incessantly in contemporary culture - like a philosophical tom tom. It would be closer to the truth to say that love is a contagious and virulent disease which leaves a victim in a state of near imbecility, paralysis, profound melancholia, and sometimes culminates in death.

Quentin Crisp (to handsome young man on the street): "What's the matter, sexy? Don't you like dehydrated fruit?

Never sweep. After four years the dirt gets no worse.

You should make no effort to try to join society, stay right where you are. Give your name and serial number and wait for society to come to you.

The trouble with European cities is that they are drenched in their history, almost all of which is terrible.

The absolute nothingness of death is a blessing. Something to look forward to.

Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette. There are so many trivial ways in which it is possible to commit some social sin.